The night I crashed my own pity party

I drove home reflecting in silence and tears on the night’s conversation. I kept asking why my shoulders tensed, my brow creased, and why I felt this deep need to fight with words, defending myself. Especially considering the conversation in question happened with trusted friends, about innocent topics.

We were talking about loving our neighbors, how the Nashville community seeks to do that, and how our friends are involved.

To my logical mind, my desire to fight in that conversation made no sense. Why did a conversation about love, make me want to fight?

Because I felt insecure.

And I compared myself to the stories I heard.

During the conversation, I entertained phrases like, “those people love others more than I do”, “those people do more and work harder than I do”, “I’m not good enough”, and “I can’t articulate my thoughts as well as he can”.

I hosted an all-out pity party in my thoughts.

As I drove home in the dark, I thought about the love that I’ve seen in my travels over the last month. I thought about my friend who takes Jesus with him wherever he goes. I thought about conversations I participated in that never once made me feel insecure, but only pointed me straight to love.

I thought about letting go of loneliness and insecurity. I reminded myself that my story can never compare to someone else’s. If I take her story, than she can’t own it, and I miss out on the pleasure of living my life.

Leaving the party on the road, I pulled into my apartment parking lot and imagined the eyes of Jesus.

One needs only to catch a glimpse into the eyes of Jesus to be set free from insecurity and doubt. When I live there, the desire to defend myself no longer exists.

Where there is love, the darkness loses its power.


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